Two and a Half Months

It’s gone by faster than I could have thought. And yet, my backyard party, the dead batteries, dancing drunk in my backyard, learning new games with friends, kiddo being sick for the first time away, it all feels like that was so.long.ago. And I’ve already changed so much.

I think I was doing a better job a month ago though. She’s been feeling it too — like how are you missing someone more when you know that you get to see them so soon? Is the missing catching up to you? The rest of her semester will be easy. This trip, then 2.5 weeks and I see her for turkey day (where we aren’t having turkey), and then another 3 weeks and she’s home for her month break at the holidays. I just broke it to her this week that one of her tasks is to really pack up her room. Because I don’t know where I’ll be living come the end of next term. Might still be here, but not for terribly much longer I think. But then, she might finish second term and come meet me in a new place. She took it like a champ. Just acknowledged her father might have to pay her travel expenses if he wants to see her. I think we both know it’s more complicated than that, but I’m grateful for her acceptance and willingness to see and understand that I need this move–even if it makes things topsy turvy for her.

I’ve been fantasy-real estating — looking at the realtor listings in a couple of the states I’m considering (Mass is the front runner, and if you have informed opinions about it, I’m all ears). And fantasy-real estating feels really different when you pause and think… I uh, really could put an offer in on this particular house. I fell in love with one recently that backed up to a lake. 

View from lake of autumn trees, blue house with lots of windows facing the lake and a series of concrete patios down to the water.

It was … an odd house. Like so amazing and just a little bit weird or wrong in every single room, but in ways that I’m like, my dude–whoever reno’d this–what were you thinking. Do NOT center the toilet on the opposite wall as the two sinks in the master. 1) No one needs to look at themselves while they’re on the toilet, and 2) the toilet is now like a “feature visual” in the bathroom. Just no.

feature toilet – white batheroom with double vanity and toilet centered on the opposite wall

That said — ALL THE WINDOWS with the view of the lake. And the practically rolling out of bed and down to a paddleboard in the early mornings in the summer. I’m easily sexed up by real estate with lots of natural light and water views.

It was close enough to “right” for me to have serious stomach clenching when I was wandering my house yesterday doing chores and sneaking out late in my super dark back yard to dance under the cloud covered sky (protip – there are a couple FANTASTIC songs for that sort of thing on the Pretty Hate Machine1 album). (Also having a terrible realization that I have almost no pictures of my backyard in bloom. I mean. WTF? I plopped a summer, day drinking shot in the feature image for this post. And I’m mindful time is running out for me to get good yard pix.)

As I spun and flowed in the dark, and I saw my house and my garden and my trees and twirled in the cold, damp grass, I realized how much I’ll miss this little slice of heaven I’ve made a home out of. So that house I loved that backed up to the lake might not be so perfect after all. No room for dancing alone in the dark… at least not without neighbors being concerned about whether the new chick living next door is an addict or a witch 🙂 So, decently private backyard moves up my fantasy-real estating wish list. 

I’m not-so-fantasy applying for remote jobs now. It adds a healthy dose of reality to all of this. And it’s part of why the last month has been so odd for me–living wise. So focused on taking the steps to move into what I want this next part of my life to look like. Job first. Town next. House after that. Then the adventure really begins. Each of those steps i have a lot of thoughts and questions about. Some of it makes me excited — with just a wee bit of nausea 🙂  Some of it terrifies me. Some of it makes me want to laugh and spin. Some of it makes me doubt everything. When that scarier side starts feeling too big, I just remind myself of the weekend 4 or 5 weekends ago when I took advantage of a shitty situation to do some writing and soul searching and came up with an answer of “now, not later” for a move. And I hadn’t felt the peace in years that I felt when I took the final deep breath that weekend, put my pen down and refocused on my new tasks: Job first. Town next. House after that. Then the adventure begins.

Two and a half months ago those tasks were all at least a few years away. And that few years idea was positively steeped and marinated in “shoulds”. Fuck the shoulds. I’m reaching deep inside of my soul instead and saying “let’s go. We are as ready as we are going to be.”

1 Pretty Hate Machine by Nine Inch Nails was one of those albums for me where I can tell you where I was when I first listened, danced, uh, and other things. Airpods are made for dancing in the dark in the backyard. Just saying.

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