Most days lately feel like they are a week long. Work is never-ending and never easy. House stuff is longer and harder and 7 texts and 5 calls more than it should be to accomplish anything. And the curve balls. I’m terrible at playing catch.
The first email I read this morning I allowed my inner unruly toddler to run rampant with negative thoughts so much so that I got sick to my stomach. Which, actually, was useful because I realized I needed to stop right then and manage my mind. Which I did, and it helped a little. I journaled a bit too. And that also helped a little. Several hours and three different work problems later, I felt like I couldn’t settle down, so I did a quick 10 minute calming meditation. It was all about breathing and slowing down and damn if that didn’t feel really amazing. I can’t honestly say work was so much better after that or that I had more energy or that there weren’t still pretty crap moments in the rest of my day, but all those little things helped a bit.
After work, I took a very short walk on the beach. It was windy and the air was bitingly cold, so I didn’t want to stay. But I got out. Breathed some fresh air, enjoyed watching larger than normal waves crash into the surf, and generally felt present if not entirely peaceful.
I’m at a saturation point with everything house, work, upcoming trip etc. where I just need things to be done when I put effort into doing them. Not doing the always discovering oh, wait, one more thing routine that has been happening multiple times a day. Tomorrow I tackle the last 3 pieces of my upcoming trip planning and then, other than dreaming about it or reading about what specific things i might want to do when I get there, that’s done. I’m also scheduling the pods delivery for when I get back, and hopefully getting at least half of the utilities scheduled for turnover into my name on the closing date. And then that will be done. And hopefully not something I have to revisit.
I’m still not connecting to myself the way that I need to. But I’ve noticed when I drive around the outer edge of the island and get an out of nowhere sea view that I smile. I can’t help but involuntarily smile each time. And I notice that. That there is a moment of pleasure and satisfaction I’m feeling. And I’ve noticed that I’m leaking more often… out of my eyes. Random moments of tears falling when I’m sad or overwhelmed and need a little relief. I notice it and recognize those feelings in my body. And I notice when I still say f it, I’m going to numb out – bring me a trash novel pretty pls. And I recognize the sensation of being numb.
This is a transitory period. These feelings will also transition as I do. Right now nothing is as I’d want it to be. But I’m at least acknowledging that as often as possible. And that is a step in the right direction. Baby steps.