That is how awesome my brain has been lately. I don’t know if it’s a function of concentrating so.damned.hard. For 10-12 hours a day getting up to speed in my new job and having 2 brain cells left to rub together by the evening. Or maybe I’m easily distracted just because. Or maybe it’s because this year I’ve decided to do all the things, job, sell house, move, hopefully buy house, make new friends etc. Maybe. Cackle.
I’m very list-focused right now or I wouldn’t remember anything or get anything done. I’ve been so exhausted on the week nights though that I’ve given myself general permission to not list and instead drool and stare at the wall or fireplace after work for the next few weeks. It’s fine. It will pass. There’s definitely a difference on Monday night to how I feel by Thursday. Monday night, and I can write this post, cook, wind up some yarn for a new sweater project. By Thursday night, I can barely order take out and remember my name 🙂 Ah the joys of learning by deluge.
My weekends have been relatively focused, which is good. But I feel like, a little bit, I’m focusing on the easy things. Again, maybe that’s appropriate given how challenging work is currently? I’ve had on my list of things to do for the last three weeks – pack 1-2 boxes a week. Start with things I won’t need any time soon. Have I done any of that, no? I know it’s the overwhelm of where to start, but i think it’s also a place of realness – it’s not real until I start to pack that I’m moving. The first step. Kiddo packed up her whole bedroom over winter break and it freaked me right out. She’s a bit of a pack rat – loves to have her beloved treasures on display and feel cozy. So it’s a trip every time I see her room. So it’s not like the bandaid hasn’t been ripped off already for this exercise, but *I* haven’t done it yet. My plan to solve my inertia here is to make a “packing tackling priority list”. Tonight, while I still have energy for the evening. That way when I think “I need to pack a box”, I can’t use the “but where do I even start?” as some stupid excuse. Gotta outsmart myself 🙂 It’s a good thing I know how I think!
When I get this way, everything starts seeming out of focus. It starts getting easy to prioritize things that shouldn’t be or don’t actually matter at all. And it’s easy to start avoiding doing the things that will keep me grounded in the present, like journaling or knitting. I find them both very meditative. So those are back on my “must do” list – as is this blog. I’d intended for more often than every few weeks. And I’ll take what I can get from myself for where I am. But I need to write things to remind myself of stuff like “I feel good when I write.” “My thoughts are more ordered when I write.” “My mind is so quiet when I get all the pinball noises out of it – by writing, meditating, by doing things with my hands to feel myself in my own body instead of just in my head – by knitting.”
I know who I am. I know how my brain works. I know how my heart works. And I like all of those things. I need to remember that when I feel overwhelmed. There’s no reason to bathe in overwhelm. I’ve got all the things I need to pull the world back into sharp focus.